A Workbook In Wicca
|
Journal May 22, 2001 Well, motherhood is turning out to be harder than I expected! It's the juggling of all the daily stuff that I used to do, with all the new baby tasks, soothing a colicky baby, and trying to find a few minutes a day to maintain my sanity. Who knew? Probably plenty of others, but not me! Everything has been put on a back burner while I find my equilibrium again. I had intended to go to the Beltane in the Park celebration, but the weather disallowed that - it rained all day, and was generally cold and dismal. I just wasn't equipped to take the baby out in that weather for any length of time. It was a bit of a disappointment... I was mostly looking forward to meeting some of the people in the pagan community. Right now, all my books are in boxes (I'm moving at the end of the week) so it would have been good to have some conversation instead, that would remind me what I'm doing here. It's been a pretty bleak couple of months, spiritually speaking. That's not actually fair... I won't bore everyone with details, but having a baby was certainly one of the most spiritual experiences I've had. Those with children will know what I mean, and those that don't have probably heard others go on about it. That's what it feels like at the time, but now I can attest to the miracle from personal experience. I guess the book learning can wait a little while longer... March 17, 2001 Well, it's certainly been a while... What have I been up to? Not a lot, in terms of advancing my spirituality. I don't know if I've mentioned it anywhere in here, but I'm expecting my first child in about a week - so most of my time has been preoccupied with concerns associated with that. Not that I feel that I've done much in that regard, either. ~sigh~ I had hoped, when I went on maternity leave, that I would be able to organize my time a little better and have some space to just "be", before the arrival of my little bundle of joy! That has not been the case! I've been trying to keep up on my reading, but somehow, even thought I'm not working, other things have gotten in the way. I've read up on a few of the Sabbats - basically, I'm just staying one step ahead of whatever the next one is. I'm contemplating having the baby blessed at Beltane, but I'm not sure about that yet. It doesn't seem right to take part in something so showy, on behalf of my child, when I haven't really committed myself to anything yet. So unless that changes, I think that a saining (sp?) is out, for now. I'm also torn about having the baby baptised Catholic... old habits (and religions, evidently) die hard. I learned a lot of good moral and ethical beliefs from the Church - I can't, and won't, forget that. Plus it seems right in the sense of tradition. My family has been Catholic on my mother's side since who knows when... It certainly can't hurt to have (a) God on your side... so I would think that it wouldn't be a detriment to have the baby baptised. Well, one thing that is made obvious by this dilemma is that spirituality is not divorced from the practical world. It would be so much easier if it were! January 13, 2001 I am usually busy on Saturday nights, out gaming with a group of friends, but for various reasons, tonight I did not feel like going out and pretending to be a vampire. (For those who are curious, just think of Dungeons and Dragons, but instead everyone plays a foul blood-sucking fiend of the night. It's like playing in a live soap opera - politics, backstabbing, blood and mayhem.) So for some reason it seemed a little frivolous tonight (just tonight???) and I am home updating all my web pages. I have been continuing on with the candle-gazing, trying to meditate and doing some visualization, but I haven't been very successful. My life is still in a bit(!) of upheaval, and I find it hard to just sit and "be". Hopefully this will go somewhere, though... I need to find a little space where I can be calm and serene. I was doing some more reading as well, and realized that the next Sabbat, Imbolc, is only a little over two weeks away. I don't know if anyone around here is planning anything, but I would like to attend a ritual, so if it comes up, I will make plans. I haven't met many people in the Pagan/Wiccan community in Winnipeg yet (at least not "officially" - I know quite a few people already that are part of the community; they just don't necessarily know that I am interested in it too) although I did go to the monthly Winnipagan meeting. I will also be going to meet the Full Circle group on Monday. A little singing and drumming will make for a fun evening anyway, and if I meet a few more people who can help me out with my "quest", so much the better. December 29, 2000 I am on the train on the way home from another Christmas with the family. Like so many others, it looked pretty good, if you didn't look too close. All the usual dysfunctional family shit. I am glad to be heading home. I had hoped that it would be a time to sort things out, but instead, I just got more worry heaped on me - everyone has an opinion on what I have done, and should do, with my life, and it gets very hard to sort things out for myself. So since I have some time to kill here, I pulled out my tarot cards. I have never believed that they will provide me with mystical messages from beyond, but I do find that they are good tools for meditation and contemplation, helping you focus your own thoughts and see your own path more clearly. In other words, they help me find wisdom from within, not without. But it has been a long time since I tried this, so I am a little rusty. I did two spreads, one based on a very specific question, and the second for a more general course of action to follow in life. Surprisingly, both read quite similarly, but also, there were no great revelations, either. Basically, the message was this: there are conflicts in my present, and choices to be made. If no one involved takes any action, fate is going to move us along, to a conclusion which is not guaranteed to be one that I am hoping for. (This is fairly generic - it could be applied to anyone's life!) But in the meantime, I need to stop looking for someone else to be strong for me - I need to be that person myself, and act in my own behalf. This still doesn't ensure the outcome I want (it could go many different ways), this is not the important part. What the important lesson is here, is my finding my own centre and voice, so that I come out of this part of my life intact and strong. December 26, 2000 I just realized that while it doesn't seem to me like I've been doing a lot lately, just from the additions to the website over the past couple of days, I actually have been accomplishing something. Especially when it comes to reading, I've been learning more than I thought. While I'm visiting my parents, there's not a lot to do when I'm left on my own - I'm not surrounded by all my stuff! So I pick up a book and start reading. I've added a "Resources" page where I'll be listing books, stores, magazines and pretty much anything not online that has been useful to me. Judging from the additions to my reading list, when I can finally make it out to one of the events in the community, I may not have to feel completely out of my depth! December 25, 2000 This is one of the most memorable moments in my life... and one of the best lessons that has ever been pointed out to me. Several years ago, I was living in a small city which is a bit of a tourist attraction for its beautiful outdoors. There are lakes and hills and trees, and every year people come to rent cottages and enjoy the waterfront in summer, and the snow sports in winter. At the time, I was attending classes at the local university, which is a bit outside of town, set back in the hills. It's built low, to blend into the landscape, which includes open grass, ponds, and nature trails. One fall day, a man came into the bookstore where I was working, and commented on the grey, rainy weather by saying with a frown, "Nice weather for ducks!" I laughed and agreed with him that the day was altogether too wet, chilly and unpleasant.
Later that day, I went to school, and when I was going from one building to another by means of a glassed-in walkway, I happened to look out behind the university, towards the pond - where, seemingly oblivious to the cold, rain, and wind, there was a Mama Duck marching along with a string of little ones, who were waddling behind, doing somersaults trying to keep up with Mama. It was, apparently, "nice weather for ducks" after all. At that moment, I realized that everything has its time and place, and though it may not be convenient for me at the moment, there's more than likely a reason why it needs to be that way. Looking back, it seems like such an obvious thing, I wonder why I didn't know it all along... December 21, 2000 Well, I don't think I'm very good at candle-gazing... not naturally anyways... maybe because I have always been lacking in concentration skills - perhaps because of my attention-deficit disorder? I can only focus for a minute or so before my brain wanders. I'm still looking at the flame, but I'm not really seeing it. My brain shifts to other things - mundane things like gifts to buy, where to put my altar (when I set it up), and other things. But I am relaxed, so while that may not be the point, it's still a good thing. With practice, I can probably improve. I can remember when I looked into Wicca before, I didn't do anything practical - just reading. So while I may have some of the theory, I don't have any technique. So not unexpectedly, this will take time. What I am hoping for is that eventually I will be able to tap into the energy I've felt before, but by will instead of by chance. Ususally it had something to do with nature, like just feeling on a level with everything around me. There was peace, and a sense of calm in that, but also a vitality and potential as well. It would be nice to feel that on a regular basis. December 18, 2000 This installment comes to you from the wonderful vacation spot of North Bay, Ontario, where I am spending the holidays with my parents. It's been a treat so far, with all the pressures that only worried parents can put on their underachieving child. ~~~sigh~~~ I keep telling myself, they worry because they love me - it could be a lot worse. In any case, I have a lot of time to fill; my parents go to bed early, I'm a night owl, and their Internet plan only allows 15 hours a month. EEK. It's been a week since I began looking into my spirituality again, and what progress can I claim? Well, I've re-read the first half of Drawing Down the Moon - a lot of theory, but good groundwork - and also re-read Amazon, by Barbara G. Walker, which was more fun, but thought-provoking too. I also started reading the Winnipagan message list archives, hoping to come across some real-life perspectives. I came across an overview/definition of Wicca/Paganism by Laurie Smith which was very similar to my own conclusions so far, so I printed that out and put it in my binder. Another topic raised was the meaning of the pentacle to various members. Generally accepted, the five points correspond to the four physical elements (earth, air, water and fire) and spirit. Peter Remple pointed out how the shape showed all five were interconnected, and Alex Stornel mentioned how it shows balance, and thus, to her, wearing a pentacle is a reminder to her in her daily life, to lead a balanced life. From there I started with the first installment of the series by Mano Malnova that I found in the Minstrel. It included an exercise in candle-gazing, and to my dismay, there is not a single candle, that I can use, in this whole house! Everything is ornamental, with pristine white wicks. So a walk to the mall is in order tomorrow, which is a good excuse for fresh air. Also, if I can find it at the local Coles, I may pick up Scott Cunningham's Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner, since it seems to be recommended every where I turn. At any rate, we'll see what turns up... December 11, 2000 So where to begin? I have hauled out all the trappings I accumulated years ago - books and tarot cards and candles - and wonder what is the best way to approach a re-evaluation of my beliefs, and the concepts in Wicca. Thinking that what I need is a little guidance, I turn to the Internet to see what resources are in my area (see the Links page for what I've found so far). Some of what's there is pretty much empty cyberspace, but there appear to be active groups in Winnipeg - and they get together in an informal setting to discuss all sorts of different topics, expecting that newbies will show up. Nice to hear, because it will be nice to be just a face in the crowd before I decide how I want to go about this. Join a group? Find a mentor? Solitary study? I just don't know yet. One thing, no matter what I do, there is plenty to read. Some of the books I own have a decidedly feminist bent - to the exclusion of the positive contribution of males. That's one thing that I remember turning me off before - but from looking around at the local websites, all sorts of men are taking part. What a difference ten years, the Internet, and a city ten times the size of the one I used to live in, make! One of the things I find is The Minstrel Online, including a sort of primer for beginning Wiccans. I've always been the impatient sort, never wanting to stock up on too much theory before getting involved. This tutorial has different exercises to try, and looks like a quick way to feel involved in what I'm studying. I think this will be an appropriate way to start. As well, one of the books recommended is Drawing Down the Moon by Margot Adler. As an overview of neo-pagan culture, it's still recommended 21 years after it was printed, and luckily enough, this is one of the books that I purchased (the 1986 revision) on my first foray into Wicca. I think a general understanding of the people who are already involved in this life would be a useful thing - we'll see if this particular book can help me with that. Well, that should be enough homework for now... |
All content and images, except where directly attributed to others, is expressly copyright by Penniah.
Updated May 22, 2001.